Prior Work Experience

I was stuck for a long time.

Long after the taste of that sheet cake had faded, I was still thinking like an operator, still trying to figure the angles on every situation.

After enough time on the job, threat assessment becomes second nature and while it can keep you alive it can be a real barrier to starting life as a civilian.  In training, they make a big point of making sure you never walk into any situation without knowing how to escape and evade and, in the field, no doubt those skills helped save my life and the lives of my team, but they don't tell you that, out in the world, people want people they can connect to and not those who are looking for the nearest exit.

When I was drinking--and that was a lot and for a very long time--I used to laugh that because of the work I had done I could very easily get arrested not only here, but on just about every continent except Antarctica, I could not, however, get a job.

I had a cover job, but that went away when I did. 

I liked that job and was damn good at it, but the contacts weren't mine and the security was only as real as my relationship with the Secretary.

We did a lot of things very well during my time inside, but one thing, perhaps the most important thing, that we should have done was get prepared for the time when we would be outside and on our own. 

Outplacement consisted of a debrief and a sheet cake:  that's it. 

I remember my last day and how humiliated I felt as one of the uniformed guys had to walk me around the building.  We went from office to office like I was his dog and we had to stop at every tree until I had done my business. 

It was when we went down to the basement, to Physical Plant, so I could turn in my keys that it really got to me.  Yesterday, I was Mr. Inside and today, just twenty-four hours later, I was Mr. Way Outside.

And it was because I was going out into the world that they all looked at me the same way I looked at the world:  they were sizing me up, trying to determine whether I would be friend or foe and how quickly they could deal with me.

I wasn't an operator any more.  At best, I was a potential asset and at worst, I was a threat.

I knew it was coming, but nothing prepares you for that moment when you recognize that people you trained with, worked with, bled for, were now figuring out how to kill you if they had to.

Trust had always been a precious commodity and, after that, it became invisible as well. 

Nothing tasted right after that.